Sat 1 Sep 2018, 15:00
Disclaimer - The score is the only true fact in the below report
The nursing homes of St.Helens and Southport were emptied on Saturday morning to provide the teams for this gripping encounter. Southport (poorer cousin of Northport) demonstrated their commitment to the game by undertaking a rigorous pre-match warm up striking fear into the hearts of the youths of West Park. Fifty Seven years old Heinz Simmo (aka Heil Simmo) who adds great variety to the team was excused first team duty to get his hair done and stayed to lead the third team into battle.
West Park’s team was complimented by the inclusion of several first teamers from The Vine pub’s dominoes team and their skills in counting were soon put to the test as the dominoes were flying in. Augmented by former St.Helens Academy Volleyball forward Brad ‘The Murray’ Mint exhibited exceptional skills in avoiding scoring a third try and having to buy a jug of ale.
The speedy young wingers and backs of West Park scythed through Southport with the distribution of Jerry ‘The Berry’ Dowling flashing the ball past the centres to the svelte figure of Phil ‘with a H not a C’ Hunt on the wing who danced his way past the superb athletic sliding defence of S’Port.
The game became a bit predictable with the West Park scrum pushing S’Portmanshipless off the ball to enable No.8 Neddy Kelly to range free in the dunes and scrub of the wastelands of Red Rocks. The only thing more mystifying than the calling of ‘MY BALL’ by Bette Ridge was the line out calls of Sudport which West Park stopped challenging and between the howls of laughter generally picked up a free ball.
Four tries, a conversion and a penalty took Park into an unassailable (Heil Simmo – That means it can’t be caught) lead due to the tireless running of veteran Shylock Holmes and Paul with Led.
The second half started like the first half with Bette Ridge shouting “MY BALL” in vain as Park kicked to ShreddedPort. Up stepped the Orford Boys, true Tatty Heath Rednecks who took down the Nobs of Sandyport with clinical efficiency ably support by centres Bandy Ray Dee and Kev ‘the kid’ Parylo.
In a match quickly racing into slow motion Sublessport ran out of substitutes first and suffered the indignity of having a player sin-binned purely because he didn’t understand that when the ref said ‘I will send you from the field of play should you impart another tackle judged to be higher than acceptable on an opposition player’ he meant he would sin-bin him. Park then had the superior numerical advantage of 2 which they reinforced when Gnarly Nolan volunteered to leave the field so Southport couldn’t claim they lost due to Park having a 2 man advantage.
Park continued to run in tries……Yawn, Yawn Yawn….until the score was 52 -0
No offence or insult is intended to any player in this match…..well except Bette Ridge and Flash – Saviour of the Milky Way and Murray Mint and well…all the Park team, subs and spectators.
Reported by Skegness Butlins “Mr Mullet 1986” runner up Steve Dempsey
